a happy accident/my kid thinks i’m an idiot

so. the soccer thing again. and the fact that this week i almost had it together. i was so close.

and then kid #2 peed her pants. on the way out the door.

so things were not exactly ‘together’ anymore. but together enough that we still managed to get to the field exactly 5 minutes before the start of kid #1’s game.

so there i am tying cleats as fast as is humanly possible. and side note, why does my kid not UNTIE his laces when he takes his tripple-knotted cleats off?

anyhow, remember ‘super-mom’? well super-mom has a husband who i’ve always given credit to for being a nice, fairly normal individual. no more! this day’s reality showed me that he is actually a passive-aggressive super-dad who happened to be standing within the vicinity of my frantic cleat tying.

“i can’t believe these parents who show up with their kid 5 minutes before the game starts”, he proclaimed to another parent.

and i can’t believe my 2 year-old peed her pants 1 minute before we left the house. because life is like that.

and so are happy accidents.

so this particular game day in which we were not late for, kid #1’s team was playing against super-kid’s team.

now for the record i have nothing against super-kid except for the fact that his super-parents think he should have his own super-team to play on. and granted, super-kid’s an awesome player, while kid #1 occasionally looks like he’s forgotten he’s actually playing soccer and instead looks suspiciously as though he might be designing video games in his head. or planning some sort of sniper attack. whatever.

but then kid #1 is put in goal. and as he’s staring up at the sky a small miracle happens. kid #1 looks down just as super-kid attempts to score and blocks the goal!

it was literally one of the proudest moments of my life. and (most of) the parents of kids on both teams were cheering because everyone loves an underdog.

and in that moment kid #1 could not have been awesomer!

and then this.

kid #1 thinks i am an idiot.

one day a week kid #1 walks with some friends and an older responsible sibling to an after school drop-in program.

except on this particular day i received a phone call from the mother of kid #1’s best friend, informing me that kid #1 had just shown up at her house proclaiming that the other kids had left him behind.

this seemed fishy.

me: “why did they leave you behind?”

kid #1: “the sibling had a scooter and we can both agree that scooters are faster than feet so you can’t blame me for not being able to keep up. and also you should actually be proud of me because when they were gone and i was all alone i knew i had 2 choices. i could have walked by myself down a busy dangerous street, or i could have gone a shorter distance to my friend’s house, which you know is safe. so i did the right thing. and you should be mad at them. not me.”

me: “then how did the other, non-scootering kids manage to get there?”

kid #1: “they have faster feet.”

me: “unlike you?”

silence.

on speaking to the mom of the sibling: “she doesn’t even own a scooter”.

kid #1 thought he could get away with this lying business because apparently i am an idiot of a mother.

no deal.

i gave birth to you. i know what you’re up to. i have eyes in the back of my head. and i am smarter than i look even though i am smeared with banana and currently wearing mismatched socks.

i may be messy but i’m a pretty kick-ass mom. and despite your ridiculous antics, you’re still a pretty kick-ass kid.

but it’s soooo good to know i’m still smarter than you.

and next time, try to be a bit more creative when you’re attempting to get away with things. it makes it more fun for me.

moving along.

4 things i love today.

1. loulou & oscar cat dolls, made by scottish librarian and self-taught designer lisa aaron

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2. minini brooches and spoons, made by south korean porcelain artist min lee

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3. British kids line tootsa macginty

ImageImageImage4. mijke hoogervorst’s little rose kids line from the netherlands (she had me at her little red riding hood and deer prints)

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this mother needs a shower. and a nap.

out.

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you can’t make this stuff up, featuring ‘a cagey bee’

“that’s weird”, says kid #2 in her nasally new york sounding accent. she lives in canada. on the west coast. so that’s weird.

my children are weird. people are weird. some things are so weird in fact that you can’t make them up.

occupation 1: i used to work as a manager in an upscale gourmet foods grocery store. one day we were sampling fancy chips when a woman came up to the counter, put the entire bowl in her cart, and walked down the aisles munching on them.

another time a woman called to complain that the produce department was cheating her out of potatoes. and by cheating she meant that the potatoes were getting smaller while the price was staying the same. except that potatoes are priced by weight, not size. i told her i’d look into it.

occupation 2: as a family counsellor for a non-profit agency i’m surrounded by weirdness at all times. one time a woman stood on my desk to prove a point. another woman’s ideas for the future changed drastically from week to week depending on the advice she had received from her numerologist.

but clients aren’t the only weirdos. within my professional life i’ve met people who believe that with enough spiritual empowerment it is possible to walk through walls. like for real.

someone else i know doesn’t believe in evolution and thinks dinosaurs never existed despite evidence that proves otherwise. and that is some weird stuff.

despite being weirded out by weird people, i do have a propensity for weird art. and local artists. and i love the fact that vancouverite kris g. brownlee aka k.g.b. aka a cagey bee (get it?), has a weird enough imagination to envision wide-eyed girls cuddling skunks, hiding inside wind-up toy birds, dressing as bandits alongside raccoon friends, and riding life-sized squirrels. plus adorable robots, and fairy-tale and movie-inspired characters.

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a snow-whitish looking print hangs in my hallway, while a robot resides in kid #1’s bedroom.

recently a cagey bee is offering prints on wooden blocks that are finished with boat resin. last week i was lucky enough to speak to her husband, aka ‘a cagey beard’, who told me that the blocks were inspired by their nephew’s birthday in which brownlee wanted to make a piece of art that could hang in his bedroom while being knocked-off-the-wall proof.

not only do i want to devote an entire wall of my house to brownlee’s blocks, but also want to purchase them for kid #2’s bedroom. she’s clumsy so anything destroy-proof fits the bill for wall art as far as she’s concerned.

you can purchase a cagey bee‘s prints and lockets here.

and for your viewing pleasure:

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kid #2 is the poster-girl for weirdness, or as i lovingly refer to her as ‘the queen of crazy town’.

here’s to all the future weirdness that i can’t possibly imagine yet.

because life’s like that.

the perils of not being able to get it together, or if you are an idiot you will probably get eaten by a wolf

one of my biggest fears is that i can’t get it together. this falls behind random violence and in front of ignorantly opinionated individuals. and said people in possession of guns. and being forced to exercise. and washing up on a deserted island without a pair of eye glasses and without my husband there to do everything for me. and terrible things happening to people i love.

i like to try to venture into the outside world looking like i’ve got it together. with red lipstick. and fashionable footwear. and children in clean clothing. and kid #2 not looking as though she was raised by wolves in the forest without a comb.

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sometimes you lose the genetic lottery.

moving along.

sunday was a serious ‘i can’t get it together’ day. first off, my beloved iPhone betrayed me. i was not informed that if i pressed snooze 3 times the alarm would turn off. i can happily press the snooze button for 2 hours straight so this was a major failure on the iPhone’s part. clearly the 2 of us had a lack of communication. also i cannot figure out how to change this setting. i am adding it to the list of ‘ridiculous things i do not know how to do’. i’m sure i can look it up online but my desire to do other more interesting things has prevented me from doing so. the benefit to this situation may be the kick in the butt i need to get out of bed earlier because sunday morning sucked.

i don’t know what actually propelled me to open my eyes but when i did i realized that i had exactly 42 minutes to get kid #1 to a bike safety course. and myself and kids #1 and 2 dressed. and red lipstick on. so i freak out. which is exactly the best thing to do in this kind of situation. also i phoned my parents. because also this is the kind of thing i do.

my dad was like “she better not be asking me to drive one of the kids somewhere”, which was totally fair because i had done the same thing 2 weeks ago when i almost slept through kid #2′s dance class.

backing up.

last week kid #1 crashed during gym class and broke the arm off his glasses. i promptly ordered a new arm but before it could arrive he somehow managed to snap the part of the frame that holds the lens in AND lose the lens. the poor kid couldn’t see a thing so i made a paper patch to cover the hole where the lens had been. i figured that mono vision was better than no vision although he looked like a complete moron. luckily, my mom had found the lens and was sending them over with my dad. yup, that’s right. he was coming to “drive one of the kids somewhere” even though he said he wasn’t going to because a) he lies about these things, and b) he also comes to my rescue. a lot. because i. cannot. get. it. together.

so i’m scrambling. my husband saunters in with a quad americano for me (bless his heart!) and is like “hey, you know the bike’s at the school right?”

“uh, what? why the heck would the bike be at the school? it’s sunday! it’s been pouring! why didn’t you tell me?”, i screamed.

“i thought you knew”, he replied.

“WHY WOULD I KNOW THAT!”

i failed to mention that he was in uniform at this moment but he made a mad dash to the school in his cruiser to pick up the bike. my apologies to the city for wasting police resources.

so my dad shows up with the lens which i stick on the kitchen counter while i’m searching for tape. i find the tape but now i’ve lost the lens because it is clear and on a dark granite counter and i have no memory of where i’ve put it down. also the kitchen looks like a tornado has blown through it because i was out the night before and NOBODY seems to be able to clean the kitchen without me. minus 10 points for my husband.

i’m still running around the kitchen patting my hands along the counters and watching crumbs fly everywhere, and kid #2 is complaining to me that kid #3 “smells poopy”, and my dad is standing in the kitchen doorway looking shell shocked. because in my ‘i can’t get it together’ world my alarm hasn’t gone off, the bike is at the school soaking wet, kid #1 has broken glasses (in 2 places!), there are bits of scrambled egg on the floor, kid #2 is naked (again), and kid #3 stinks. also i cannot find the lens.

finally the lens is found. but not by me of course. and i’m standing there taping the glasses and wanting to apologize for this whole crazy scenario and also for the fact that he’s stepping on something mushy (a raisin?), and that his very nice car is about to get wet and muddy from the bike that should have been clean and dry in the garage. and also i want to cry.

my dad’s always there for me in a pinch (whether he wants to or not) but my not-always impeccably clean house makes him anxious. during the summer an electrical switch in the playroom caught on fire. it burnt itself out almost immediately but there was black smoke everywhere. i called my husband, who was on duty, instead of the fire department because i am an idiot like that and he was able to contact them directly to attend. it happened on a my-house-is-not-so-tidy day and when my parents came over to hang out with the kids outside while the firemen did their thing, my dad turned to me and said, “the firemen must think your house is a disaster. your husband works in the community and these things get around”. and also my house almost burnt down. but you know, whatever. and then he gave me tips on how to better clean up toys and arrange my pile of books. and tried to mentally calculate where i might fit another bookshelf in my living room.

sigh. and now i needed his help AGAIN. and also i am 30.

i don’t know why i have such a fear of not being able to get it together. i could list off a number of positive credentials to counteract this but it’s not enough. and i don’t know why.

moving forward again.

i love books. this is just a thing about me. also i love the colour red. and fairytales.

i’ve knocked the princess crew quite a bit for their lack of cleverness and inability to be the heroine of their own story. kid #2 and i are in particular disagreement about a certain girl in blue. kid #2 thinks cinderella is perfect, albeit slightly forgetful when it comes to footwear. i, on the other hand, think she is dim-witted and may be suffering from the psychological condition known as learned helplessness. either way, the princesses are not where it’s at for me.

which is weird because i have a thing for the most notably idiotic, can’t get it together, useless fairytale character EVER.

little red riding hood.

oh little red. you are so cute in your red hooded cape. so adorable in fact that i make kid #2 wear a red hooded pea coat instead of the blue one i’m sure she’d prefer.

but dear red, you are an idiot. and i feel you because i too cannot get it together.

the story goes like this:

once upon a time there was a little girl, who was probably not so little since she was allowed to cross an entire forest by herself. her grandmother was sick so she was given exactly one task. to take a basket full of treats straight through the forest to her grandmother’s house without stopping to talk to strangers.

simple, yes? apparently not for little red the space cadet.

“hi. i’m not only a stranger, i’m a wolf. a big wolf. and i’d like to know what’s in your basket and where exactly you’re going…oh, you’re off to your grandmother’s with treats you say? and her house is located where?…”

darling red riding hood, you DESERVE to be eaten by that wolf. you are a failure of a fairytale character.

act 2: grandma’s house

“grandmother, what big ears, eyes, teeth etc you have”

is red categorically trying to remember what her grandmother looks like or does she know it’s the wolf? because every kid in the 2 and older crowd knows it’s not grandma. if my grandmother suddenly sprouted weird facial hair and a wolf-like appearance i’d like to think i’d realize that it wasn’t her.

but not little red riding hood. because she is a class 1 idiot. who doesn’t get eaten only because a randomly wandering-by woodsman happens to save her from a gruesome demise.

poor poor useless red riding hood who could not get it together enough to follow simple directions and tell the difference between a wolf and an old lady.

i feel you red riding hood. i feel you.

and that’s why i’m obsessed with these little red riding hood inspired awesomeness:

1. lil’ red & mr.wolf handstitched cuteness from dollyrocketlondon

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2. violastudio red riding hood pocket doll

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and reversible capelet

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 3. hand-carved stamp from freshbakedpapergoods, because it’s always important to leave your mark

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4. mini-friend message dolls from kekekaka

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5. little red double-brooch from krize

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6. one-of-a-kind made-to-order baby dress and cap from tenderblue

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6 great shops; 1 stupid girl.

chomp chomp.