the perils of not being able to get it together, or if you are an idiot you will probably get eaten by a wolf

one of my biggest fears is that i can’t get it together. this falls behind random violence and in front of ignorantly opinionated individuals. and said people in possession of guns. and being forced to exercise. and washing up on a deserted island without a pair of eye glasses and without my husband there to do everything for me. and terrible things happening to people i love.

i like to try to venture into the outside world looking like i’ve got it together. with red lipstick. and fashionable footwear. and children in clean clothing. and kid #2 not looking as though she was raised by wolves in the forest without a comb.

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sometimes you lose the genetic lottery.

moving along.

sunday was a serious ‘i can’t get it together’ day. first off, my beloved iPhone betrayed me. i was not informed that if i pressed snooze 3 times the alarm would turn off. i can happily press the snooze button for 2 hours straight so this was a major failure on the iPhone’s part. clearly the 2 of us had a lack of communication. also i cannot figure out how to change this setting. i am adding it to the list of ‘ridiculous things i do not know how to do’. i’m sure i can look it up online but my desire to do other more interesting things has prevented me from doing so. the benefit to this situation may be the kick in the butt i need to get out of bed earlier because sunday morning sucked.

i don’t know what actually propelled me to open my eyes but when i did i realized that i had exactly 42 minutes to get kid #1 to a bike safety course. and myself and kids #1 and 2 dressed. and red lipstick on. so i freak out. which is exactly the best thing to do in this kind of situation. also i phoned my parents. because also this is the kind of thing i do.

my dad was like “she better not be asking me to drive one of the kids somewhere”, which was totally fair because i had done the same thing 2 weeks ago when i almost slept through kid #2′s dance class.

backing up.

last week kid #1 crashed during gym class and broke the arm off his glasses. i promptly ordered a new arm but before it could arrive he somehow managed to snap the part of the frame that holds the lens in AND lose the lens. the poor kid couldn’t see a thing so i made a paper patch to cover the hole where the lens had been. i figured that mono vision was better than no vision although he looked like a complete moron. luckily, my mom had found the lens and was sending them over with my dad. yup, that’s right. he was coming to “drive one of the kids somewhere” even though he said he wasn’t going to because a) he lies about these things, and b) he also comes to my rescue. a lot. because i. cannot. get. it. together.

so i’m scrambling. my husband saunters in with a quad americano for me (bless his heart!) and is like “hey, you know the bike’s at the school right?”

“uh, what? why the heck would the bike be at the school? it’s sunday! it’s been pouring! why didn’t you tell me?”, i screamed.

“i thought you knew”, he replied.

“WHY WOULD I KNOW THAT!”

i failed to mention that he was in uniform at this moment but he made a mad dash to the school in his cruiser to pick up the bike. my apologies to the city for wasting police resources.

so my dad shows up with the lens which i stick on the kitchen counter while i’m searching for tape. i find the tape but now i’ve lost the lens because it is clear and on a dark granite counter and i have no memory of where i’ve put it down. also the kitchen looks like a tornado has blown through it because i was out the night before and NOBODY seems to be able to clean the kitchen without me. minus 10 points for my husband.

i’m still running around the kitchen patting my hands along the counters and watching crumbs fly everywhere, and kid #2 is complaining to me that kid #3 “smells poopy”, and my dad is standing in the kitchen doorway looking shell shocked. because in my ‘i can’t get it together’ world my alarm hasn’t gone off, the bike is at the school soaking wet, kid #1 has broken glasses (in 2 places!), there are bits of scrambled egg on the floor, kid #2 is naked (again), and kid #3 stinks. also i cannot find the lens.

finally the lens is found. but not by me of course. and i’m standing there taping the glasses and wanting to apologize for this whole crazy scenario and also for the fact that he’s stepping on something mushy (a raisin?), and that his very nice car is about to get wet and muddy from the bike that should have been clean and dry in the garage. and also i want to cry.

my dad’s always there for me in a pinch (whether he wants to or not) but my not-always impeccably clean house makes him anxious. during the summer an electrical switch in the playroom caught on fire. it burnt itself out almost immediately but there was black smoke everywhere. i called my husband, who was on duty, instead of the fire department because i am an idiot like that and he was able to contact them directly to attend. it happened on a my-house-is-not-so-tidy day and when my parents came over to hang out with the kids outside while the firemen did their thing, my dad turned to me and said, “the firemen must think your house is a disaster. your husband works in the community and these things get around”. and also my house almost burnt down. but you know, whatever. and then he gave me tips on how to better clean up toys and arrange my pile of books. and tried to mentally calculate where i might fit another bookshelf in my living room.

sigh. and now i needed his help AGAIN. and also i am 30.

i don’t know why i have such a fear of not being able to get it together. i could list off a number of positive credentials to counteract this but it’s not enough. and i don’t know why.

moving forward again.

i love books. this is just a thing about me. also i love the colour red. and fairytales.

i’ve knocked the princess crew quite a bit for their lack of cleverness and inability to be the heroine of their own story. kid #2 and i are in particular disagreement about a certain girl in blue. kid #2 thinks cinderella is perfect, albeit slightly forgetful when it comes to footwear. i, on the other hand, think she is dim-witted and may be suffering from the psychological condition known as learned helplessness. either way, the princesses are not where it’s at for me.

which is weird because i have a thing for the most notably idiotic, can’t get it together, useless fairytale character EVER.

little red riding hood.

oh little red. you are so cute in your red hooded cape. so adorable in fact that i make kid #2 wear a red hooded pea coat instead of the blue one i’m sure she’d prefer.

but dear red, you are an idiot. and i feel you because i too cannot get it together.

the story goes like this:

once upon a time there was a little girl, who was probably not so little since she was allowed to cross an entire forest by herself. her grandmother was sick so she was given exactly one task. to take a basket full of treats straight through the forest to her grandmother’s house without stopping to talk to strangers.

simple, yes? apparently not for little red the space cadet.

“hi. i’m not only a stranger, i’m a wolf. a big wolf. and i’d like to know what’s in your basket and where exactly you’re going…oh, you’re off to your grandmother’s with treats you say? and her house is located where?…”

darling red riding hood, you DESERVE to be eaten by that wolf. you are a failure of a fairytale character.

act 2: grandma’s house

“grandmother, what big ears, eyes, teeth etc you have”

is red categorically trying to remember what her grandmother looks like or does she know it’s the wolf? because every kid in the 2 and older crowd knows it’s not grandma. if my grandmother suddenly sprouted weird facial hair and a wolf-like appearance i’d like to think i’d realize that it wasn’t her.

but not little red riding hood. because she is a class 1 idiot. who doesn’t get eaten only because a randomly wandering-by woodsman happens to save her from a gruesome demise.

poor poor useless red riding hood who could not get it together enough to follow simple directions and tell the difference between a wolf and an old lady.

i feel you red riding hood. i feel you.

and that’s why i’m obsessed with these little red riding hood inspired awesomeness:

1. lil’ red & mr.wolf handstitched cuteness from dollyrocketlondon

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2. violastudio red riding hood pocket doll

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and reversible capelet

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 3. hand-carved stamp from freshbakedpapergoods, because it’s always important to leave your mark

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4. mini-friend message dolls from kekekaka

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5. little red double-brooch from krize

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6. one-of-a-kind made-to-order baby dress and cap from tenderblue

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6 great shops; 1 stupid girl.

chomp chomp.

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5 thoughts on “the perils of not being able to get it together, or if you are an idiot you will probably get eaten by a wolf

  1. I laughed til I cried…just remember – To the world, you are a mother, but to your family, you are the world! Still laughing…..Love you!

  2. I blog frequently and I genuinely thank you for your
    content. This article has really peaked my interest. I
    am going to book mark your site and keep checking for new information about once per week.

    I opted in for your RSS feed too.

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